a gamer's girl
it's more difficult than you think, dating a gamer. gaming. it all sounds so innocent, doesn't it, like it's a perfectly legitimate way to pass the time. and i'd agree, if not for the fact that it was possible for one to be so involved in it that he becomes distant, detached, and quite beyond reach. perhaps we ought to plant pin-hole cameras in stealth, so that they could see the intensity of their gaze as their hands move effortlessly and almost mechanically. that gaze is beyond parallel.. and all i know is, i've never looked it straight in the eye; because a gamer's gaze is saved for his games.
why does it hurt? after all, it's not as if he games all the time; perhaps i'm even one of the luckier ones. still, doing a rough comparison always breaks my heart. he gets so sleepy and lethargic when we're together and i know that the uni lifestyle is the perfect mould for walking dead undergrads; still, when he's the gamer, sleep is something quite foreign to him. he could game for days.. nights.. and still not find the bed enticing. gaming has commitments to it, he says. not to mention its allure. it allows you to be what you can't be in real life. and you owe it to your fellow gamers to always be ready to cooperate, so you can't afford to be distracted.. even if it's your girlfriend. he'd sleep over.. but then beg for ten minutes to check out his gaming forums.. and the ten minutes often bloom beyond chronological time. there is always that need to game; he'd forget things that he told me.. promised me.. but he'd never forget to check out his gaming forums. and for all the times that i'm hurting and wished that i could have someone to talk to, he's lost in his world of vanguard [or whichever happens to be the game of the mo] and can only give me distracted replies. he used to neglect me for hours.. leaving me to eat dinner alone in the dark while he gamed. after tantrums and tears, he doesn't do that anymore.. but it's stilted. it's forced.. and i know that given the chance, there's something else that he'd rather be doing.
love is such a fragile thing. an addiction is an addiction, yet no one ever gets addicted to the heart. and i feel like i'm tottering in a valley full of land mines. the grass is soft and lovely under my feet, but one false step could set off a live wire, and everything would be destroyed. not to mention the little barb wires that lie in wait to confuse me. how could my feet feel soothed, yet bleed at the same time? he's the perfect boyfriend most of the time. he comes early to carry my books to school. he pays for my every meal, and not a day passes without him saying that he loves me. but when he's the gamer.. i don't know where my boyfriend is. and all i am left with is a pillow that won't hug me back and only the kisses from tears while i wait for him.. wait for him to return to me.. return to me. perhaps if he didn't love me that much.. if i didn't love him that much.. it wouldn't be so painful.. you dig?
and i fear the future and all the tomorrows to come. as our timetables grow more and more estranged, as the pace of life quickens, perhaps there are comforts which only games can offer. and it hurts to know that when he's in need, when he's hurting, he'd rather turn to the console or keyboard instead of my arms. yet i know; to make him choose would destroy him. the ironic thing about being a gamer is that, given two choices: to live a life of gaming without your girl or to live a life with your girl without gaming; gamers would find the latter much more scary. after all, the loss of your girl would create some tears and ache, but there's nothing a bit of vanguard or dota can't handle. but to lose your games for the rest of your life.. what kind of existence would that be? how would you deal with that ache to play? by sleeping? perhaps. but would you really want to sleep your life away? perhaps i ought to be content with sleeping alone at night while he games in the darkness. but i know that would ruin his health. and i'd rather see him less, i really would, because above everything, i want him to be happy and healthy. but God. please help me. what then would i do with my broken heart?
it's not so much a matter of balancing time between gaming and your girlfriend. it's about my own self awareness that no matter what i do, i'll never be enough. i can love him till my heart bleeds itself dry and the truth would still remain. his fullest devotion and dedication is not for me. he does not *need* me. it's possible for him to let me go.. but not to stop playing. people with their rationality intact would tell me to live for myself, that perhaps he's not the one to give me my happiness. or worse, perhaps i am not his happiness. and i find myself contorting in knots and knots of this pain that digs deep into my marrow. because. i fucking, fucking love him. and.. i don't know what to do, except grin and bear it, and stain my pillow with tears every night.. for the rest of my life.
and please don't discount this pain.. and these tears. because these are the tears that gamers' girls shed. and if i could lend you my heart for just a moment, i think you'd cry as well.
- min.x
Posted in:
theskycriedtoday
on
Friday, October 19, 2007
at
at
8:30 PM
0
comments
